I wriggled in my seat, desperately trying to avoid her piercing gaze. How did it get this bad? Five years before I rarely drank coffee, but now…
I took her words seriously. I stopped buying my caffè latte multiple times a week and instead purchased a frother so that I could make them at home, for cheaper. Today I can proudly say that I don’t have a Starbucks addiction. I have a coffee addiction, which is a much more cost-effective, not to mention socially conscious because I don’t purchase my cup of Joe Jamal from the Man anymore. I’m so glad for the motherly intervention.
Since today is National Coffee Day, let me give you some clues that you may be addicted to your morning cup of Jamal, or José, or whatever way you choose to personify roasted beans.
1. Your nose can detect the difference between a ground expresso roast and light whole bean blend with a one-second sniff, like a trained N.Y.P.D. canine.
2. You plan coffee dates with your Facebook friends with opposing political beliefs just to have an excuse to meet someone for coffee, and then order a second drink (an iced frappuccino) to cool you off after what will undoubtedly be a heated argument.
3. You divide up your coffees for different occasions: blonde roasts for leisurely summer mornings, Italian roasts for the “It’s gonna be a helluva day” workdays, peppermint lattes for holiday gifts, and pumpkin spice for life! (You purchased every single box of the Pumpkin Spice Instant Mixes from your neighborhood Target so that you can enjoy them year-round.)
4. You smirk when people think that they are coffee connoisseurs just because they grind their own coffee beans; you grow your own coffee beans and donate your unused beans to neighborhoods that have been classified as “food desserts” so that local residents can know what it feels like to savor a fresh cup of homegrown (conflict free) Jao, because that is their most pressing food need.
5. When you woke up this morning, you smiled because you knew that it is National Coffee Day. In fact, you texted about a dozen of your friends because friends don’t let friends miss out on free coffee on National Coffee Day. It’s an unspoken rule, like not dating your best friend’s ex and assuming that everyone will just split the check at the end of the meal.
6. You don’t care if you are addicted to coffee because studies have shown that it may or may not be good for your health, but the ambiguity doesn’t bother you because the fact that researchers are talking about your beloved Jamil reinforces how valuable a commodity he truly is. The world doesn’t need a can of Pepsi; it just needs a cup of Joe.
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